Glimpses

Friday, January 13, 2012

Outside In - Dream

The ongoing story: Outside In 
Tailored to meet the BFF-158 Prompt "I Have a Dream"


The rain continued to fall through the night, tapping out a steady pulse on the rooftop. The giant oak in the backyard brushed branches against the side of the house in the wind. Long strands of alfalfa made a comfortable, shushing sound. Other than the storm, it was quiet at the end of Pleasant Drive. 

Torie tucked the blankets up around Blake, and kissed his forehead softly. Rothschild jumped up and burrowed into the soft, blue blanket next to him. Even before Torie turned the light off, Blake was asleep. 

"Randy, it's not right that he's still so quiet. I'm worried about him." Torie said to her husband as she leaned into his broad chest to rest her head.

"He'll be alright. After all, he's a Dempsey!" his voice was strong and deep, but he knew she was right. Something had changed in Blake when his mother left, and neither of them knew how to fix it. 

"I think I will take him to town tomorrow" she said.

Randy lifted her face and looked at her sternly, "Do you think that's a good idea?" 

"Maybe getting out of this house will be good for him." 

"And it could make things worse Torie, you know that." He brushed her hair back off of her face, kissed her slowly, deeply, then picked her up and carried her off to bed.

The storm was intensifying. Sheets of rain continued to cover the ground, until it became saturated. Howling sounds echoed through the trees as the wind snaked in and out of the limbs. A surly gust of wind pushed Blake's bedroom window open, letting the outside in. Drops of rain heavy enough to soak the floor in a matter of minutes, darted through the open window, but the floor  remained dry. A lightweight curtain danced in the breeze, rippling and landing against the sill repeatedly. Blue-white light cast shadows of the oak on the wall across from the window. It looked like an woman's figure with leaves for fingers. 

Blake got up and moved toward the wall. "Momma?" he said quietly. 

He heard only the wind and rain answer him. Wind whispers that soothed his spirit, brushed his cheek gently, made him smile. His mother loved to dance, and he liked to watch her. He sat on the floor with his blanket wrapped around him, and watched her dance until the rain stopped, and her shadow faded from the wall. 

He woke to the sound of Torie's voice calling him for breakfast. "Blake, come and eat!"

He looked around his room, but the window was still closed, and the rain was still outside. Blake wasn't sure where his mother had come from, or where it was she went, but he knew last night was not just a dream.

"C'mon Rothy, let's go eat." He paused at the doorway and scanned the room once more before shutting the door.

16 comments:

  1. Aside from you stories, what I love is are the names. They are deep and hold other stories inside of the story. Rothy.. something about the possibility of who and what, makes the reader want more. Nice.

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    1. It makes me smile to see that you would have noticed the names Brenda. The tidbits that allow them to grow, are centered around who they are as characters... beginning with the name. Until you drew out why they are important with such clarity, I might have missed something very insightful. Thank you!

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  2. My mom came to me one night when I desperately needed her. Some might say that it was just a dream, but I know better. Loved this.

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    1. Beth, I think more people have had experiences like that than they might openly admit, I know that I have! There is a kind of comfort that comes with the contact, especially when you need it most. Thank you for being here:-)

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  3. What a wonderful approach to the theme, nice read!

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  4. I just want to hold this little man and give him so much more love than his little heart can even imagine. I am very invested in the Aunt and Uncle's efforts to help him heal. You have me hooked and that's what it's all about! Wanting more...

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    1. That is the highest compliment a writer can receive (in my opinion). This is turning out to be a wonderfully rich experience for me, thank you...

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  5. ah. i want to hug blake. but i know, it's his momma he needs. no one else.

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    1. Yes, he does need his Momma:-) You are such a wonderful Mom yourself, that it does not surprise me you (and Jo) both want to hug him. Thank you d~ for continuing the journey with me!

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  6. Each installment of your story leaves me wanting more. You are an awesome writer!

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    1. Darlene, thank you! It is a large part of my heart that finds its way to the pen and paper.

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  7. You have some wonderful description at the beginning of this passage, but the critical editor in me has some suggestions.

    I'd like to see you tie the surroundings closer to your characters. I felt jarred when you broke away from the description into a focus on the characters. Perhaps you could begin the scene with Tory's feelings about the storm and then go into the details. Is she soothed by it or scared? Does she peak out the window to see what's coming? All scenery and objects must somehow fit into your plot. I know the storm wakes Blake up, but what more is there about it? Is Blake afraid of storms? How can you up the tension with the use of these wonderful details?

    Also, you changed point of view in the middle of the passage. Who is your main character? Tori or Blake? You need to decide and stay in that person's point of view.

    Hope you don't mind my thoughts. I do a lot of critiquing on writing. Also, keep in mind that I'm stepping into the middle of the story. You may have established a storm connection in previous writings.

    Joyce
    http://joycelansky.blogspot.com/

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  8. Joyce,

    I appreciate your perspective and you have offered some specific measures for tying it all together. I will take each of them into consideration and see how I can weave it a little closer together.

    When it comes to POV, I have a tendency to shift, though it ought not be a jarring experience to the reader, I will work on that too!

    All of the story (as much as has been written) is located at the top in a link. Each installment that I write, I also add to the list of links. If you have missed something, it ought to be easy for you to find it there.

    I love a strong red pen, it only helps me to fine tune my craft. This story, is the first story I have put out for the public to read in draft form. This is all first write, no editing, just posted as it comes to me. It's not surprising that there are parts that are not as strongly linked as they need to be.

    Thank you, for taking the time to use your skills, to help me with mine.

    k~

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    1. I'm glad you like a "strong red pen." When I see writing, I'm never sure if I should voice the suggestions in my head or say nothing; however, I know my best writing comes by passing rough drafts around for critique. As a first draft, this is wonderful! Good luck with it.

      Joyce
      http://joycelansky.blogspot.com

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I appreciate your comments, and constructive criticism is welcome!

“To bring anything into your life, imagine that it's already there.”

- Richard Bach

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